When dudebro-in-chief Ryan Cohen took over as CEO of GameStop he apparently took no salary, but in January 2026 was given the opportunity of an implausibly large performance award of $35 billion were he able to boost the company’s value by a factor of ten. However, since then Cohen seemingly got distracted from this goal by his cockamamie plan to buy eBay through a combination of magical wishes and bad math. That was quickly and unequivocally rejected by eBay as “neither credible nor attractive.” Now, according to CNBC, Cohen is entirely abandoning that colossal bonus in order to focus on…wait…buying eBay?
Let’s be fair, here; Ryan Cohen has somewhat improved GameStop’s fortunes, at least in the short term. Long after the memestock silliness in 2021 that saw people attempt to wipe billions from investors shorting the company (good) and then somehow turn into a cult-like conspiracy that required more money than exists on Earth (bad), the first quarter results for 2026 published this month were a big improvement, and saw the company make a profit. That, of course, comes at the expense of hundreds of store closures and vast numbers of lost jobs, alongside pushing remaining staff to miserable new levels of frustration. Yet, these results barely touched share prices, rising just a dollar, and that’s all been wiped off again in the few days since. The chances of seeing the company value somehow increase tenfold at any point doesn’t seem very likely.
Cohen clearly thinks so too, given the multi-billionaire has, according to GameStop’s board, requested to have the incentive taken off the table. The wording rather tersely notes, “When the Board approved the CEO Performance Award in January 2026, the Company had not yet decided to pursue the acquisition of eBay, Inc.” Cohen’s given reason for this doesn’t seem to cohere to anything that makes sense, although that does seem par for the course: The press release explains, “Mr. Cohen stated that he wants leadership fully focused on GameStop’s operating performance and its proposed eBay acquisition.” It’s hard to understand how this would contradict an attempt to, well, improve GameStop’s operating performance, nor how owning eBay wouldn’t dramatically increase the company’s value.
It seems we shall learn more about this latest attempt to acquire eBay—a company worth at least four times more than GameStop and one that absolutely does not intend to be bought by it—later this week. This will include “a detailed presentation of the strategic rationale and operational plan for the combined company.” Will it also contain an explanation of how this could possibly be afforded, or perhaps just have the words “half stock, half cash” repeated 300 times before a gif of someone staring out a window?
Our sympathies go out to every remaining member of GameStop staff, having to watch this idiotic pantomime play out above their heads.
