Interior, my home office.
Daniel Molloy, the Vampire Armand, Louis de Pointe du Lac, Lestat de Lioncourt, and their vampire daughter Claudia de Lioncourt de Pointe du Lac crowd around my couch as The Blood of Dawnwalker loads for the first time. They are captivated by some parts of the game and deeply annoyed by others.
Daniel: So you’re a journalist too. Video games, huh? I played Pac-Man once in the 80s, couldn’t get into it. Looks like games have come a long way since Pac-Man.
Armand: Why is this leader vampire so ugly? Vampires are meant to be beautiful so the affront to God is greater.
Claudia: Only affront to God here is you.
Louis, horrified: So he’s just giving the little girl the Dark Gift?
Claudia: Now I know you not talk-
Lestat, interrupting: Ugh, so glad I was turned after the Black Plague. All the upheaval, the drama. [His tone indicates he is actually very upset he missed the upheaval and the drama.]
Daniel: Wait, why are you chopping wood and finding lost pigs? Is this the whole game Peasant Simulator 3000? Maybe games haven’t come a long way since Pac-Man.
Claudia: Yeah, wake me up when there’s vampires again.
Armand: Child, that was no vampire.
Claudia: I ain’t no damn child!
Lestat: Even by vampire standards you are still in nursery—
[Armand and Louis physically restrain Claudia before she can rip out Lestat’s eyeballs. Time, as it also does in the game, passes from day to night and the Blood Mass begins.]
Lestat: Oh, I see we’re doing the old “let’s corrupt religion to justify our heinous actions” bit again. Boring.
Armand: If you’re referring to me and my time with the Children of Satan-
[Daniel stars laughing and Armand is annoyed by his fledgling’s impertinence.]
Armand: Why did I ever work the Dark Trick upon you?
Daniel, flatly: Tumblr calls it “Old man yaoi.”
Claudia: Shut up! There’s vampire stuff happening! I kinda like how these “vrakhiri” have to rip out one of their fangs and stab a human in the heart to make another vampire. It’s intentional, violent. We should do that.
Louis: Why is everything with you violence?
Claudia: God forbid a woman have hobbies.
Lestat: Look Louis, rats! Your favorite food.
Armand: Don’t listen to him, Louis. It’s very noble that you hate yourself and everything about what you are. Couldn’t be me though.
Lestat: Actually, it’s not fair this Coen gets the Sky Gift right off the bat. Do you know what I had to do to learn how to fly?
Louis: Sleep your way to the top with the Queen of Vampires.
Lestat: Exactly! But the irresistible urge to drain the blood of your friends mid-conversation, that part they got correct at least. Unlike someone I know. [He stares at Louis.]
Daniel: So just because he’s got the silver mine equivalent of Black Lung disease, he can walk around in the daytime. That’s pretty clever.
Claudia: I had black lung once…
Armand: I told you-
Daniel, Claudia, Louis, and Lestat in unison, mockingly: We know, “You could not prevent it.”
Lestat: Wait, I have an issue.
Armand: Only one?
Lestat: If this Coen is blessed with the Dark Gift and all its healing properties, how is that he can still die from being mauled by a bear?
Daniel, to me: I think this is what the kids call “skill issue.”
Claudia: Ooh! I knew that herb lady was a witch!
Lestat, hissing: The Mayfair Witches are in this too? If the Talamasca shows up in this… [Lestat starts swearing in French.]
Armand: They should kiss. They clearly want to kiss. Why aren’t they kissing?
Louis, wistfully: He has to save his family first.
Lestat: Pssh, family.
Claudia: Says the man turned his mother into a vampire then became her lover!
Lestat: Immortal life is a garden of delights meant to be sampled, why restrict oneself based on mortal hang-ups like familial blood ties?
Daniel: Okay, Cersei Lannister.
Armand: Are we really supposed to believe this fledgling will amass enough power to defeat an ancient vampire lord in 30 days when it takes any one of us 30 years to get out of a dirt nap?
Lestat: I was depressed one time.
Louis: Only one?
Lestat: Va te faire foutre!